Category Archives for stress

Divorced Women Over 40 Stressed by Memories

Divorced women over 40 may carry unresolved issues around for years – maybe forever.  In that case they will go on repeating the relationship lesson they have not yet learned.

What lesson is that? The way your husband treated you during the marriage probably made you feel a certain way. At least that is the story you tell yourself and probably all of our girl friend and anyone who will listen to you.

Since misery loves company you will not have trouble finding other angry, hurt women to listen to your complaints. Well, actually you more likely share poor me stories.

Yet you were never the victim in the marriage. He may have treated you without respect and maybe never honored you at all.

So here is a question: did you go into the marriage expecting him to make you happy? Did you look to him to build your self esteem? Did you need praise from him to feel good about yourself?

And what if he never provide any of that once you were married?

The thing is he treated you the way you taught him to treat you.

What?

He observed (subconsciously, perhaps) the way you treated yourself. Did you take time for yourself to do things you enjoyed? Did you do and say things that said, “I love me! I am terrific just the way I am!”

Loving yourself means doing what you want to do for you. It is not selfish. It is fulfilling our own personal desires not just the desires of everybody else in the world.

Think a moment of some of your friends. I bet you have at least one friend who, when she says she is on her way over to visit you scurry to get the house straight and neat.

That person loves herself and expects others to treat her with the same honor and respect she shows herself. You know that from experience. For that reason you tidy up the place when she is coming over.

Now think of a friend who comes over dressed kind of straggly. You wouldn’t give a second thought to straightening or cleaning the house, no matter what.  That person settles for how others treat her. This is not about being understanding this is about not feeling worthy or deserving of good things.

See the difference? Do you also see how you taught your husband how to treat you?

Whatever behaviors he exhibited toward you either left you feeling good or feeling bad. You always had a choice to accept or reject his behaviors. You could always have let him know his actions bothered you or were not acceptable to you.

If you did so great for you. If you didn’t then you cannot blame him for how treated you. He mimicked how you treated you to the best of his ability.

When you fail to object to how someone treats you, in essence, you give them permission to treat you that way.

Make sense?

There is no one to blame for all the stress of your marriage that still bothers you. Don’t even blame yourself. Chalk it all up to one big learning experience.

Stress: It’s Not What Is Going On, It’s How You Feel About What is Going On

When you feel really overwhelmed, like there is no way out, remember that you are reacting to your interpretation of the situation and not to the situation itself.

Somebody else in that same situation, or even you at a different time, may not even notice anything heavy duty going on in the moment.

How can that happen? Your state of mind determines your interpretation of what is happening. Your interpretation will either make you feel good or bad. Good can be happy or at peace. Bad can be angry, sad or full out stressed.

In any case it is how you use your imagination that determines your interpretation of the current circumstances. Yes current, in this moment – not yesterday, not even an hour ago. The past is gone. The only time you have is this moment. So you can only act in this moment.

And what you think about determines how you feel which causes you to take certain actions. And after you take those actions you again look at the new situation and decide (by thinking) how you feel now. You continue the cycle of think, feel, act.

What can you do, with that knowledge, to move out of overwhelm and stress and into a feel good place where you can live permanently with only brief visits to the stress you now endure?

Did you say to change your thoughts? Seems pretty obvious, don’t you think?

When your life fails to look the way you want it to look would it make any sense to keep taking the same actions every day? Why would they take you to a different place tomorrow, or the next day if you they never led you there before?

Perpetuating a routine that fails to serve you or move you to a better place makes zero sense. But how do you step outside the box to create all new thoughts, feelings and actions?
Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the mind that created it.” Okay then what do you do?
Find someone who already lives the way you want to live and copy what they do. By copying their actions you begin to think the way they think. Obviously choose a role model who lives stress-free if you want to live stress-free.
Ah, note that different people have different definitions of stress and therefore different ways of living stress-free. So your first task is to define what stress is for you and then to figure out how your world will look when you live without stress.

Stress-Free Living Requires Conscious Living

Stress-free living requires you to consciously stay focused in the present moment and pay attention to your thoughts. You know your thoughts by monitoring your feelings.

I tell my clients that I never ask anything of them I have not been through or done myself. Since I have survived some major traumas in my own life and had to come back from nearly dying I do know how hard life can be.

Ah, hard if you choose to live in struggle and stress.

I find myself frequently needing to take care of crisis situations. Those moments keep me on my toes and, most important, they keep me sharp making me walk my talk.

Hmm. Why do I create such situations? Well, let’s see, I tell people I never ask anything of them I have not done myself. That is huge clue!

To stop putting myself into varied stressful situations I need to drop that line from my repertoire. No kidding!

You may think I am being silly here. But when I speak or write those words I am sending a clear message to my own subconscious mind and to the Universe that I need to keep experiencing challenges so I will be able to say, “Been there. Done tha,.”  regardless of the client’s situation.

That whole notion is really no different than thinking, as a psychotherapist, you have to suffer from every possible disorder before you can assist anyone in healing from that disorder.

What a ludicrous thought. Yet no more out there than what I put out to the Universe pretty regularly.

I know how the body, mind, spirit system work. I do not need to suffer any conditions or setbacks or stress at all –unless I need to learn more life lessons (which I do). In fact, if my own well being is not fully charged with love I can be pretty much useless at helping someone heal.

Make sense?

I know how the body/mind attracts stressful situations to itself. But only when I remember to stay present and live and act consciously in this moment can I be truly stress-free.

And I can continue to create these new thought patterns that keep me focused in the now rather than repeat the past stuck behaviors.

All I have to do is catch myself experiencing overwhelm or pressure to recognize I am not living in the present moment. Then I come back and make a decision to replace those other thoughts with pleasant ones that fail to make me feel bad.
Eliminating stress is as simple as creating new habits. It all starts with your thoughts.

Over Forty : How to Make the Life Changes You Want to Make

Here you are, over forty, either divorced or in an unhappy marriage, and ready to make some changes. Only you do not know exactly what to change to or how to do it.

So, for now, you go along each day, following the same routine you know as your life, The thing is you are so done with this routine you are ready to step out of your comfort zone into the unexpected.

Well, maybe you do not want to move into the unexpected just yet. But you do know how desperately you want out of your comfort zone because you definitely know it is anything but comfortable!

Great decision. Yes, change begins with a decision. But then nothing changes until something moves.
Which something? You. You gotta take action, new and different action than any you have ever done, if you want to go places you have never been.
But wait. Before you take those new actions you have to figure out who you want to be in life.
Who you want to be? What does that mean?
People act in specific ways because of the thoughts they think which lead to the emotions they feel. If you want to be a tennis player you have to think about your physical health, your emotional stamina, your lessons, your coach, your game plans, your schedule, etc. You have to be someone who thinks, feels and acts like a tennis player.
If you want to be a writer it will not serve you to become (in your mind-body) a tennis player.
Make sense?
Great. Then to start your new journey decide who you have to become to achieve that new you, that new way of being in life.

How do you do that? Find someone who already does what you want to do. Then find out everything you can about that person. Read any biographies you can find. Read books or articles they’ve written.

If you can possibly do it, arrange to meet with them and possibly spend a day shadowing them to get the first hand real and honest look at how that kind of person spends their day.

Once you know what and how they do what they do then you can copy their routine.

Find someone to be your accountability partner so that you actually do the daily activities you say you will to accomplish your mindset change. Creating a new you does require a mindset change. You need support and someone who cares enough to remind you to stay on target to make that happen.

See yourself already living as the new you. Virtualize your day walking through each moment looking out through your own eyes, feeling the things you now touch. Eat and smell what the new you does. Hear the sounds that abound in your new world, etc.

Make the experience real for you. Guess what, by doing so you fool your subconscious mind into believing you really do live that way now.

Probably the most important action to take involves feeling gratitude for all you already have. Keep a gratitude journal and speak your words aloud so the Universe really gets how grateful you are. After all the more for which you express thanks the more the Universe wants to deliver to you.

Know that even though you already have so much it is okay to want more. You are here to enjoy the best life you desire. Stress only happens when you forget that truth and succumb to the ho-hum life you already lived – until now.

Stress Factors: Common Stress Factors And How To Eliminate Them

Most people will tell you that many stressors fill their world. Identifying them specifically as well as choosing some activity to eliminate them contributes to improved health and well being.

The most common stress-inducer is time. People say there is never enough time to finish the task. They say there is never enough time to get it all done.

Most women will tell you they never have time for themselves. They never have time to take care of their own needs – including time to do something fun.

When you fail to fuel yourself with love and activities that leave you feeling relaxed and fulfilled, your body, mind and spirit feel the stress and may develop real symptoms, aches, pains or illness – just to get your attention!

On that same subject, taking care of oneself…

Many people, especially women, find themselves agreeing to take on tasks they no way want to do. Their vocabulary lacks the very important word, “No.”

How do you feel when you agree to do a task for someone you know darned well that you absolutely do not want to do yet you also fear saying, “No.”

That horrible feeling inside stresses you and impairs your health – emotionally and physically. In addition to doing something you do not want to do you probably feel like a traitor to yourself.

You know you are not making time to take care of yourself and do fun stuff just for the sake of relaxation and joy. Yet here you are agreeing to spend time doing a chore you do not even want to do!

What kind of message are you sending to your self image, your self esteem and your pride?

Not being able to ask for help when you really need it also causes your heart to skip a beat or pound a little harder.  How come you willingly tell others you will help them with tasks you do not want to do yet you will not ask others to help you do your tasks?

Another intensely painful stressor is being shy. I know that one first hand. When you are shy no matter where you go, if there is a crowd  (more that two people) your stress level rises.

Procrastination also creates great stress. Wanting to do something yet not getting to it leaves you feeling less than, maybe even unworthy or deprived.

Every one of those stressors comes from a definition and experience in which you assigned that meaning to those terms.

You can make different choices and watch how fast your life changes.