Always looking for the gift…
When I awakened at 3 AM a thought popped into my head. All my life I created circumstances that took me away from people making my life very private, very quiet – and allowed me to create a world I may never have known – inside. The many talents and gifts I discovered may have remained hidden even from me had I not found mself with so much time alone.
When I was growing up being a tomboy was definitely not fashionable. So my friends were boys – until we got old enough for the boy-only sports leagues. Then I found myself stuck again. The happy news is I always had boy friends with whom I could do the fun stuff like climb trees and rocks and play baseball. The stuff most girls just didn’t want to do.
Okay so that was how it was. But that is not all it was. You see I also too kmyself out by getting sick. I think I did that to see if my mom would take off work to stay home with me. Only she couldn’t because we needed the income to live (my dad having transitioned to the next plane when I was really little).
Now I am not talking colds and flu. I am talking mono and hepatitis, the kinds of illness that took me out of school for months to the point I even had to drop out of college to recover.
What hit me during the night is every time I moved into some social network and made friends I attracted someone or something that knocked me out of the game. The ultimate blow happened when that client attacked me forcing me to leave the field of psychotherapy.
Hmm, the patterns we repeat untl we get the message…
And here I thought I now heard the whispers of the Universe and no longer needed the 2 x 4 attention-grabbing blows!
You cannot break a habit until you know it exists.
In the darkenss of the middle of the night I recalled mentioning to my friend, earlier in the day, that I felt unable to leave the house because my cat really misses me whenever I disappeared from his site. Now realize (this is the same cat who neary left me a few short weeks ago and my thinking is heart issues develop from a lack of insuuficient attention and love. I always felt that my Dad left us at such a young age with heart troubles becuase he didn’t feel loved – but that’s a personal issue.)
I have been afraid to leave my cat to live my life. I waasn’t there in the moment my Bubby left or my first cat and I got to my Mom the instant after she left.
Okay. I know spirits decide when to leave. I also know my Mom did not want to leave with me there. And that is how it is. And here I am repeating that pattern with my cat.
Again I took myself out of life – again – so I can create.
I do that taking myself out into seclusion, of sorts–and I write music and articles and I paint.
And I teach what I most want to learn – living in happiness.
And I do know how to live in happiness. I constantly test myself to prove to me what I know and, more importantly what I do and teach, works. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I know how to ive in happiness.
With that awareness I can now stop living as the subject of my own in-depth research!
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